Not the Same
by fireun
Summary: Hello angst? how are you today? another take on the KamuiXSubaru relationship, or at least the muddle of angst and guilt that they pass for a relationship. no cigarettes or mirrors were harmed in the making of this fic


Disclaimer - i dont own these guys, or anything related to them really. which while saddening, means i am just borrowing them for a little bit. they have some...issues to work out.

Hello angst. how are you today?  
more of me messing with poor Subaru. another take on the KamuiXSubaru relationship, or the muddle of angst and guilt that passes for a relationship. was listening to the song "Temples of Gold" by Kamelot, and it sparked an idea that really wouldnt leave me alone until it got written. kinda like what happens when i get an idea for an amv. so here we have it. as always, reviews are my most favorite thing in the world after coffee.

-Fireun

* * *

"_I see you when it snows  
__in crystals dancing down  
__from a sultry sky  
__when silence is pure and unbreakable..."_

__

Of all the things in the world, a closed door was not what Kamui expected to greet him that evening. Correction- a closed, _locked_ door. Friends had betrayed him, people had inexplicably died along almost every step of his life, and nothing had left him as bewildered as the silent door in front of him.

"Subaru? Ne, Subaru? Is everything alright?"

No answer. Not even a rustle of bedclothes or the slow dry drag of a cigarette suggested there was any life in the room at all. The locked door was the only indication, and accusation.

"Subaru? Can you let me in please?"

Still nothing. If he was awake, the man was determined not to be bothered by the outside world. Kamui leaned his head forehead against the smooth wood of the door, breathing in the slightly sweet hint of oils and finishes that gave the door is gentle shine. He knew Subaru was in there. He _knew_. And it terrified him that the man would not let him in. _'Don't leave me again, Subaru. Not like last time...'_ Frustrated, more than a little angry as a result, Kamui slammed a fist into the door. "Subaru! Let me in, dammit! It is my room too!" The continual lack of an answer only served to anger the young man further. Wide eyes sparked as he all but snarled at the door before stalking off.

"..._I can see you smiling  
__in every frozen tear  
__I can hear you whisper "You and I"..."_

The young mans anger would have most likely dissipated upon seeing the tableau set out behind the door that had so thwarted him. The lighting was so low as to be almost nonexistent, the unobtrusive not quite illumination used by stage crews as they attempted to get their job done while remaining unnoticed. The thick comforters on the plain twin sized bed were bunched and tangled; tell tale signs of uneasy rest. An overburdened ash tray sat on the nightstand, helplessly spilling its contents over the scratched wood. The rooms only mirror bore witness to an act of extreme rage or unhappiness as its shattered remains lay in a glistening trail across the floor. The only movement in the room was the listless smoke trailing up from the end of a cigarette which burned on steadily, uninterrupted or hurried by indrawn breath of any sort. It balanced almost precariously on the lower lip of a mouth slightly open, the expression of someone lost in thoughts. If the glazed look to the one eye capable of sight was any indication, as well as the creases across an aristocratic forehead, those thoughts were not pleasant ones. A fine coat of ash dusted the left leg of his pants, a subtle indication of his lack of attention to the minor details of his surroundings.

"Seishirou..." It was a quiet sound, more a sobbing exhalation than a word, and it shattered the anticipatory silence into fragments no less sharp than the remains of the mirror. The butt of the neglected cigarette fell to the rug unnoticed as two long fingered, elegant hands rose to clutch at a face caught in a rare moment of vulnerability. All masks were down, all pretenses at being a centered, reasoning adult vanished with that sound.

Hands slid down that face as another sob choked through determined defenses. Suddenly he hated the smell, the sharp, bitter tang of smoke that clung to his hands, the stale air of the room; hated it because it was not his smell. It belonged to someone else. Someone gone. _His_ smell.

"..._little did we know  
__that they were life itself  
__the days passing by  
__we both had our share in the sacrifice..."_

__

His foot came down with a harsh thud, crushing the still smoldering remains of the cigarette and grounding it there as if trying to erase its very existence. "I DON'T SMOKE!" The cig met the same fate as the mirror; it had attracted the mans attention, and therefore his wrath. It was an anger swift to burn itself out though, as he slumped back into a rather dejected ball off misery, huddled on the bed, knees pulled up to his chest in a position more suited to recovery from a nightmare. Perhaps he was hoping that, any minute now, he would wake up from the one he was experiencing. Any minute now he would wake up to find himself being held in strong arms smelling of musky animal and sweet flowers and a bitter hint of cigarette, rocking him slightly, a gentle beloved voice telling him it is all right, it was just a dream.

There was no one there to comfort him now. He has sent away the one creature that seemed to care enough to weather through the moods and silence. Sent Kamui away because the boy reminded him of himself. Kamui would be no comfort this time.

He wanted his Seishirou. Wanted to collapse and weep and cuddle and sleep. Wanted to know the other man was there, taking care of him. A constant balm on his existence, a gentle reminder that even when everything else went to shit there was someone there.

"..._once upon a time  
__we had something beautiful  
__once upon a time  
__I thought "you and I"..."_

__

Someone who had taken it all away just to give it back at the end. There was something sublimely unfair about it all. Something obscene. Fate teasing with her prey as usual. Fate...there was a word he hated. All that happened was attributed to that capricious entity, an explanation that gave no answers but was expected to end the discussion. Fate gave him something beautiful, turned it so ugly as to be unbearable, and _dared _tease him with it again when it was far too fucking late.

_'Subaru-kun.' _A smiling voice carried through memory...

_'When is the wedding?' _A teasing chortle from his mirror image...

His eternal blushing...the half embarrassed, half shy flush those two had always managed to rush to his face with their smiles and teasing. So happy...that had been his piece of heaven, and damn he had thought it could go on forever, the loving balance of his dangerous, often painful occupation. The teasing, the laughing, the loving...

The mirrors mistake had been to show him his own image, so like that of his sister...with an eye that belonged on the face of his friend. It had dared show him...remind him of what was gone. Well, it could capture nothing but fragments now, and pieces were easier to handle then the whole of it all at once. Blankly he stared at those pieces, meeting his own eyes, finding no answer there.

"..._take me wherever  
__the answer lingers in the sand  
__show me the way as the story unfolds  
__love is remote  
__in this wailing winter wonderland  
__show me the way to the temples of gold..."_

__

Apparently deciding that enough time had passed, and becoming bored with the lock, Kamui entered the room. _Through_ the door. Subaru looked up, that movement lethargic enough that Kamui almost thought his lover was drunk. "Now we don't have a door." It was all the older man seemed to be able to manage, a moment of concern that appeared to exhaust itself swiftly, dumping Subaru back into a lackluster sort of oblivious.

Irritation giving way to concern, Kamui seated himself on the bed beside the wilted Subaru. He had seen the man unhappy, seen him sulky, and seen him depressed far past the point of functionality, but this was....extreme. Hell, his eye wasn't even tracking. For someone who was usually so _aware_ it was rather disturbing to see him lost somewhere _else_ like that. The broken mirror and graveyard of cigarettes gave silent testament to the state of Subaru's mind. Troubled, and yet unsure as to what Subaru needed from him, Kamui started to clean the nightstand.

Subaru looked at him blearily. "I don't smoke."

The anxious tone in Subaru's voice caused Kamui to pause and stare. He sounded so...young. Not at all like the powerful man he was. "Are you alright, Subaru?"

"I didn't smoke. At all. Sei-chan smoked. I could smell it in his hair..." Subaru croaked a sob and his head drooped back into waiting hands. "I can smell blood." He muttered.

Clean up abandoned, Kamui did what few others dared, and hauled Subaru into an embrace. The man tensed, ready to pull himself away, but Kamui snapped a "stay" and he obeyed, shaking slightly.

"..._bless me with a kiss  
__across the universe  
__when day and night converge  
__and whisper my name till I fall asleep..."_

__

"Subaru. Look at me." Kamui was used to being listened to, and it showed in the tone of his voice, and the way Subaru responded even in his despondent state. "I have been told it only over complicates things when you dwell on them. And it is not like it can change anything, brooding like this. Call me a hypocrite, as I sure as hell have done my fair share of moping about, but...it's not like you don't have anything worthwhile..." Kamui sighed at the almost apathetic sheen to Subaru's one functioning eye. It was so hard to get through to the man..."Subaru. I need you here. If that isn't enough, then just fucking leave. I can't keep trying to put you back together, and you obviously don't want to work on it yourself." It sounded like the man was strangling, as sobs attempted to claw their way free. Kamui knew how much Subaru hated being upset in front of anyone, and dropped his gaze, moved to work on cleaning up slivers of mirror.

The room quivered with tension for long minutes, Subaru trying hard not to break into the bawling fit he obviously desired, and Kamui pointedly ignoring him. Then the younger man decided that was enough. He planted himself directly in front of Subaru, forcing the other mans head up and holding it there so that he had nowhere else to look. "Subaru. I love you. I know it isn't the same as...it isn't the same, but there it is. Take it or leave it, but make a decision."

Subaru exhaled a slow, shaking breath, and then cracked a pained smile. "Well, we all wanted you to grow a backbone."

"No, you all wanted me to stop moping around and whining about my fate and all that nonsense. I think you all agree that I have a backbone." Gentler this time, but no less demanding, Kamui drew Subaru into an embrace.

"You are a bit aggressive."

"I thought that was one of the things you liked..." There was a definite teasing tone to Kamui's voice that time, a slight smile. The dangerous point had passed, again, and he was secure once more in his possession of Subaru.

The grip was familiar, arms tight around his lean body, hot breath on his neck...even the laugh in the voice was so close....No, this wasn't the same...but for now it was enough.

"..._tell me tales from days bygone  
__tell me little lies  
__tell me once again it's just "you and I"..."  
__-"Temples of Gold", -Kamelot_


End file.
